Marriage stages

OMGGG I just need to share this post and video I found in FB to you guys who are getting married and already married. If you are wondering that you feel that you are the only one who is experiencing this and having said that you can't actually share much about your marriage life to anyone and felt depressed, you can read this article from Ukti Safiyah or even better watch her video!

Ukti Safiyah was explaining the raw reality of marriage where people always thought it is the nicest, fantasy-like, happily ever after endings. Well, its not. Its the beginning of new life. She spoke my heart out. The reality of marriage can make you depressed if you don't get it right and felt like this is not what I signed up for and gave up. There's a video to the article which I find it easier to digest before you read the article.

The article link:
http://mahadandsafiya.wixsite.com/islam/single-post/2017/02/18/The-Raw-Reality-of-Marriage

I will point out some of the things that I myself learn from. We always hear the same thing about Sakinah, Mawaddah and Rahmah again and again in marriage counsellings or course and I personally can't really relate to it as much after reading the tafsir and all. But Ukti Safiya, الله يبارك لك, explained it in very detailed with examples which like light up my lightbulb.


She mentioned there's 3 distinct phases in marriage:

  1. The Honeymoon Phase 
  2. Conflict Phase
  3. a slow Path to Tranquility

By using the ayah from al-Quran,


وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا

وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ 


And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you love and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Surah Ar-Rum: 21)

She mentioned that Allah specifically mentioned things in order for a reason, like in this Sakinah first then Mawaddah and Rahmah. But the word Sakinah (tranquility) wasn't in verb form compared to Mawaddah and Rahmah. Why? Because Sakinah is the GOAL for the marriage which we need to work with Mawaddah and Rahmah. It's like a love/marriage formula

Mawaddah + Rahmah = Sakinah

Nothing about the Quran is "random" so there had to be a reason that Allah put mawaddah-love before rahmah-mercy, and the fact that he put "tranquility" as the goal (the ل in لتسكنوا connotes that "sakeenah" or tranquility is the goal/objective). Indeed, in my own marriage, I saw these three phases pan out exactly as mentioned in the ayah:  
1) "Mawaddah" Love - Honeymoon Phase: Immediately after marriage - I'm on cloud 9, it's like a high. I love everything about being married, having a husband, a companion. We are perfect, life is perfect. In the beginning of marriage, love is the first emotion. It attracts you to the other person, and you are overcome by this feeling of love. In this phase, you're absolutely in love with the idea of love. You so badly want to be married and happy that you overlook any flaws that your spouse could possibly have. I mean, you never had a spouse, so everything is new, amazing, real. 
2) "Rahmah" Mercy -Conflict Phase:
A few months in - what ON EARTH is going on? From cloud 9 it plummets down to the depths of the earth. We are smacked back into the real world and we hit the ground running – work, school, finances, the responsibility of another person, clash of cultures, different points of views. This is the conflict phase.

Nobody said this was going to happen. Why do we fight all the time? Why does he hate everything I do? Why do I hate everything about him? Why is everything so wrong? No one said it was going to be like this. I hate everything, I just want to go home...

This was the first one to two years. Statistically, researchers say that the first 1-2 years of marriage are the most critical. It sets the foundation for the rest of your marriage. This is where that much needed mercy comes in. After the high of love dies down, reality strikes and we start seeing each other's flaws. Mercy and patience is the only thing that helps you through this phase.

In phase 2, it starts falling apart. You notice their flaws, and the things you thought you could change are not changing. And they expect more from you than you ever expected to give. The small fights, then the big ones... and themarriage is so new, you still don't even know how to fix things. You have to learn it all by yourselves.
Naturally, two people who have lived their entire lives independently, in their own ways, can't just in one quick swoop be able to harmonize. It takes a lot of time, a lot of fail, trial and error, and a lot of tears. The reason it starts plummeting down is because you're forcing harmony into two separate entities, and the pain of that harmonization is terrible. But without pain there is no gain. 
3) "Sakeenah" A Path to Tranquility:
Alas, There IS light at the end of the tunnel. But it requires WORK. Slowly, you start picking up on the things that are important. Like, the things you won't be able to change, the way things have to be done even if you don't want to. He starts picking up on that too. You have to give time and LOTS LOTS LOTS of care to a marriage. It doesn't just flow. It requires hard work.

Baby steps, we're getting there. We come to accept that we are two different individuals with different lives, and we have to start figuring out a way to harmonize. We've climbed out of our deep caves, up onto the green grass, looking up at the skies... we know we never really can go back to cloud 9, but we aim for it. We stick around clouds 3 through 6, sometimes higher, sometimes lower. We've accepted this, because it is happiness, and we know that slowly, very slowly it is building up.

Alhumdulillah, now, almost 8 years in, I feel likeIS a lot of the things I thought it was going to be in the beginning. No, not all at once. It's certainly not romantic 100% of the time, nor is it all fun and games. But it CAN be, at some moments. You can get back to cloud 9 at times, but you really have to work at it. It may not last more than 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, but the potential is there if you work it right.

The Prophet (S) said, "Marriage is half of your faith" and I never truly understood that until after I got married. Yes, it gives you experiences you've never had in the first part of your life - love of a spouse, protection, security, a BFF for life, eventually children, a family of your own. But I feel like it's also called "half your faith" because it tests you in ways you’ve never been tested before: patience, anger, responsibility, knowing how to stay silent, not being selfish.

How amazing is Allah, that He knows so well the ins and outs of His creation. He knows that "love" is what starts it all, it's what brings us together initially. He also knows that "love" can't sustain a relationship alone, and so "mercy" is needed when the problems start occuring. But He reassures us and encourages us to seek the path of "tranquility" after realizing that a balance of these two is what makes things work.

May Allah bless all of our marriages, Ameen!


Safiya Ravat graduated with a degree in Islamic Jurisprudence (Fiqh and Usul al Fiqh) from the International Islamic University of Malaysia, as well as a Journalism degree from the University of Houston. She and her husband live in Dallas, TX where they are working under the Bayyinah Foundation. Full bio here. Follow them for more videos and posts on Facebook at Mahad and Safiya.

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