Baby, baby, baby ohhhhh
Please be prepared that this post WILL be emotional.
Dalam tidak memberi zuriat, Allah itu memberi. فالاستعداد في المنع حقه
This whole process takes up a lot of time, effort, leaves and emotional craziness. To a point that I don't want to have my own child as I would want to live carefree and travel to anywhere I want easily now. Yes, it does get to that point when you have that thought "If there is nothing wrong, why do you need to fix it?"
The transitions thoughts of having a baby is very funny. We both are in a different phase and thought process of having child/children.
Engagement years
Me: I want kids right after I got married. 4/5 is quite a good number.
A: Erm, I don't have a thought of it, but if we have, it would be 2.
Year 1
Me: Ok I'm so ready for baby.
A: Let's give us some time for honeymoon period, to know a bout each other
Year 2
Me: erm baby? where art thou?
A: It's okay, we are still young. We can try. If there's no baby, it's alright.
Year 3
Me: If the baby comes, let it come. I don't mind anymore.
A: I want baby, let's have a baby
A wanted to have the baby only now because he felt left out from his brothers whom had their babies recently and he really loves to play around and melayan them. I on the other hand, I am tired to be honest. Tired of "false" hope that I have given myself especially every single time I looked into the pregnancy test kit. I am tired of the medicines and everything. I ever did asked Ustaz Mizi, is it okay just to let it be and to hope and pray and just "leave it to God". He said, it is not advisable to do so as tawakkal is to do the effort, strive and the rest, leave it to Allah and not to leave it without any usaha.
After the surgery, we came back to do check up on whether any signs of it coming back and alhamdulillah I am clean! Dcotors said there is no cancerous cells in my womb and we are good to go for the next plan. Having a baby. I was off the meds for 2 months and my menses were a little late and I had hope. But when I did my test both at home and hospital, they just screamed 1 line straight back at me. So the recent appointment, the doctors recommended for me to take Clomid which I did the last time with my GP but with drawing blood to see whether I ovulating. If still no avail, the next round would be higher dosage of Clomid and if still doesn't work, I will go for a different medicine. A wanted to jump start straight to IUI because the chances are 10-15% more but it would mean $2-3k because of the medicine and putting the "washed" semen in. I think I will go for 2nd round and then we will try IUI then. Thinking about all these and the emotional state that I would be, I am scared that I would break, depression will be on the high.
It is quite disheartening that every single time I take the pregnancy test, thinking and " feeling" that I am conceiving, and guess what, I am not. Wasting sticks and sticks of pregnancy tests and get all emotional every time I got my menses.
Here's #AATuesdayLoveLetters last week about not bearing a child:
But my love letter to you today is not about my Studio. My love letter to you today is about how Allah gives, even through His withdrawals.
-
As some of you know, K and I have been married for almost 6 years now, Alhamdulillah, but we do not have any children. This is also not the first time I'm sharing about being childless. I wrote about it once many years ago, and then I spoke about it on a Vlog sometime last year, and of course, today as well.
Here is a short summary of what I feel about this whole having a baby / being childless thing throughout these years:
Year 1 of Marriage: DESPERATELY wanted a baby
Year 2 of Marriage: Realised that it was just societal pressures that made me think I wanted a baby
Year 3 - 4 of Marriage: Still didn't have a baby, but was busy nurturing another "baby" - i.e our business at AA
Year 5 of Marriage: Having serious thoughts about never having children, and questioning if I'm an evil person for not wanting to have kids
Present moment: Completely open to having a baby (I even have names ready lol)
-
You see, something happened 3 weeks ago, that truly shifted my whole perspective about it. It all started one day, when out of nowhere, my heart was suddenly bursting with this feeling of really wanting a zuriat, specifically a son. I was sitting in a dars (an Islamic gathering ) here in Morocco, with my mother in law, when all of a sudden, there was this rapid and unusual stirring in my heart, that made me wantto pray, no beg, Allah for a child.
The dars session took a break for Maghrib, and as we prayed in congregation that evening, I was almost in tears, as I whispered to Allah in my sujood, "Ya Allah, if it's the best for us, if it will bring us closer to You, please bless us with a zuriat, Ya Allah. A child who will worship and serve You and Your Ummah, till his last breath."
When I got home, I told K what I had experienced. He jokingly said, "maybe you are pregnant, Aida!" And I smiled sheepishly back to him, "maybe I am!"
For the next 3 weeks, I prayed fervently in my sujood for it. Every sujood, every prayer, every day.
And when my period was a little late, I told K, "OMG maybe this is it! Maybe I'm pregnant!" And again, K would smile and say, "if Allah thinks its best for us, Aida, it will happen. Trust Him."
-
A few days ago, however, the time of the month came for me.
I smiled, and as I caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror, I thought to myself, "you'll be a great mom one day, Aida. Just not today."
-
K gave me a hug when I told him the news, and it was at that moment that once again, out of nowhere, Allah placed in my heart this overwhelming consciousness to pray. But this time around, for something else - not for a child, but for this man in front of me.
-
The next day, as I battled through crazy period pains, I made a prayer for every single woman who has gone through much more intense labour pains to bring their child to this world. And as I scroll through photos of smiling babies and joyful parents and parents-to-be on Instagram, I made a prayer for Allah to always bless and protect their hearts, and pour love and kindness in abundance for their families.
I genuinely and sincerely feel happy for them, but I also started to ponder, and ask, why did Allah made me pray for something so hard, and so fervently, if He wasn't going to give it to me? And for how much longer should I wait?
At that moment, He gave me an answer: "I will never turn away from the prayers of a sincere slave, and if I've moved your heart to ask, trust that I will give. Just not in the way that you have imagined, nor in a time that you've set. Also, stop and look around you - which of My favours that I've already given you, will you deny?"
-
I wiped my tears away, and through a blurred lens, I saw something in my room, glistened. It was a book that I'm currently reading. I picked it up, only to realise that in front of me, was rows and rows of books that I've proudly collected, read, and savoured, over the years. And then my eyes shifted to the shelves where we kept our cameras - all the equipment, and the gears that we've slowly invested for the business. Seconds later, my phone started to ding - a notification just came through - 10 new registrations for our recently launched #AAClass that was already almost sold out. I looked down to what I was wearing - a shirt I got from Seoul, socks from London, and a pair of pants that I got my tailor in Morocco to sew for me.
And it was then that I realised, "Ya Allah, You didn't give me a child all these years, but you gave me the rezki of time. Time to read, and to learn, and to work on my self-development. You didn't give me a child, but you blessed me with the rezki of being able to spread Your message to thousands of people through my Videos, and throuh my work. You didn't give me a child, but you granted me the rezki to see the world, and to In Sha Allah, be a good ambassador of your beautiful Deen through my travels. You didn't give me a child, but you allowed me the rezki to hire a Sister here and to share with her the provisions that You have so generously blessed me with. You have given me so, so much and that, is how you have answered my prayers. Maybe I would not have been able to do all of these things should we have a child now, so it was through that withdrawal, that You gave.
Ya Allah, I am child-less, but my life is so, so, so, so full of joy. You have given me faith, you have given me purpose, and you have given me love. And that, is how You have answered my prayers - by giving me something more than what I want, by giving me what I need."
-
Ladies, I don't know what you have been praying for.
But I beg you - to not despair.
I beg you, to continue pouring your wants
and needs to the hands of Your Rabb.
Because I'm not worried if Allah will answer
our prayers or not (He will),
I'm more worried if our hearts
have hardened and have stopped asking,
because that's when we will no longer have faith,
no longer have purpose,
and no longer have love.
So continue praying, my dear.
Pray so that you will always have faith in our Rabb,
pray so that you will always have a purpose to serve our Creator,
and most importantly,
pray, so that you will always, always,
have love for our Beloved.
Once you've done that,
pay attention to how He answers your prayers.
Because if we are too busy sulking, and being sad,
the miracles that He has already given us will just
recede in the backgound, unnoticed, disregarded,
and pushed aside.
And if I may be shameless,
as you pray, will you please
send one my way too?
I promise I'll pray for you too.
-
Love and prayers always,
Your fellow seeker,
A
Dalam tidak memberi zuriat, Allah itu memberi. فالاستعداد في المنع حقه
Masih Tak Dapat Zuriat
"Kenapa aku masih tak dapat zuriat?"..
Posted by Cocombee on Monday, May 14, 2018
This whole process takes up a lot of time, effort, leaves and emotional craziness. To a point that I don't want to have my own child as I would want to live carefree and travel to anywhere I want easily now. Yes, it does get to that point when you have that thought "If there is nothing wrong, why do you need to fix it?"
The transitions thoughts of having a baby is very funny. We both are in a different phase and thought process of having child/children.
Engagement years
Me: I want kids right after I got married. 4/5 is quite a good number.
A: Erm, I don't have a thought of it, but if we have, it would be 2.
Year 1
Me: Ok I'm so ready for baby.
A: Let's give us some time for honeymoon period, to know a bout each other
Year 2
Me: erm baby? where art thou?
A: It's okay, we are still young. We can try. If there's no baby, it's alright.
Year 3
Me: If the baby comes, let it come. I don't mind anymore.
A: I want baby, let's have a baby
A wanted to have the baby only now because he felt left out from his brothers whom had their babies recently and he really loves to play around and melayan them. I on the other hand, I am tired to be honest. Tired of "false" hope that I have given myself especially every single time I looked into the pregnancy test kit. I am tired of the medicines and everything. I ever did asked Ustaz Mizi, is it okay just to let it be and to hope and pray and just "leave it to God". He said, it is not advisable to do so as tawakkal is to do the effort, strive and the rest, leave it to Allah and not to leave it without any usaha.
After the surgery, we came back to do check up on whether any signs of it coming back and alhamdulillah I am clean! Dcotors said there is no cancerous cells in my womb and we are good to go for the next plan. Having a baby. I was off the meds for 2 months and my menses were a little late and I had hope. But when I did my test both at home and hospital, they just screamed 1 line straight back at me. So the recent appointment, the doctors recommended for me to take Clomid which I did the last time with my GP but with drawing blood to see whether I ovulating. If still no avail, the next round would be higher dosage of Clomid and if still doesn't work, I will go for a different medicine. A wanted to jump start straight to IUI because the chances are 10-15% more but it would mean $2-3k because of the medicine and putting the "washed" semen in. I think I will go for 2nd round and then we will try IUI then. Thinking about all these and the emotional state that I would be, I am scared that I would break, depression will be on the high.
It is quite disheartening that every single time I take the pregnancy test, thinking and " feeling" that I am conceiving, and guess what, I am not. Wasting sticks and sticks of pregnancy tests and get all emotional every time I got my menses.
Here's #AATuesdayLoveLetters last week about not bearing a child:
But my love letter to you today is not about my Studio. My love letter to you today is about how Allah gives, even through His withdrawals.
-
As some of you know, K and I have been married for almost 6 years now, Alhamdulillah, but we do not have any children. This is also not the first time I'm sharing about being childless. I wrote about it once many years ago, and then I spoke about it on a Vlog sometime last year, and of course, today as well.
Here is a short summary of what I feel about this whole having a baby / being childless thing throughout these years:
Year 1 of Marriage: DESPERATELY wanted a baby
Year 2 of Marriage: Realised that it was just societal pressures that made me think I wanted a baby
Year 3 - 4 of Marriage: Still didn't have a baby, but was busy nurturing another "baby" - i.e our business at AA
Year 5 of Marriage: Having serious thoughts about never having children, and questioning if I'm an evil person for not wanting to have kids
Present moment: Completely open to having a baby (I even have names ready lol)
-
You see, something happened 3 weeks ago, that truly shifted my whole perspective about it. It all started one day, when out of nowhere, my heart was suddenly bursting with this feeling of really wanting a zuriat, specifically a son. I was sitting in a dars (an Islamic gathering ) here in Morocco, with my mother in law, when all of a sudden, there was this rapid and unusual stirring in my heart, that made me want
The dars session took a break for Maghrib, and as we prayed in congregation that evening, I was almost in tears, as I whispered to Allah in my sujood, "Ya Allah, if it's the best for us, if it will bring us closer to You, please bless us with a zuriat, Ya Allah. A child who will worship and serve You and Your Ummah, till his last breath."
When I got home, I told K what I had experienced. He jokingly said, "maybe you are pregnant, Aida!" And I smiled sheepishly back to him, "maybe I am!"
For the next 3 weeks, I prayed fervently in my sujood for it. Every sujood, every prayer, every day.
And when my period was a little late, I told K, "OMG maybe this is it! Maybe I'm pregnant!" And again, K would smile and say, "if Allah thinks its best for us, Aida, it will happen. Trust Him."
-
A few days ago, however, the time of the month came for me.
I smiled, and as I caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror, I thought to myself, "you'll be a great mom one day, Aida. Just not today."
-
K gave me a hug when I told him the news, and it was at that moment that once again, out of nowhere, Allah placed in my heart this overwhelming consciousness to pray. But this time around, for something else - not for a child, but for this man in front of me.
-
The next day, as I battled through crazy period pains, I made a prayer for every single woman who has gone through much more intense labour pains to bring their child to this world. And as I scroll through photos of smiling babies and joyful parents and parents-to-be on Instagram, I made a prayer for Allah to always bless and protect their hearts, and pour love and kindness in abundance for their families.
I genuinely and sincerely feel happy for them, but I also started to ponder, and ask, why did Allah made me pray for something so hard, and so fervently, if He wasn't going to give it to me? And for how much longer should I wait?
At that moment, He gave me an answer: "I will never turn away from the prayers of a sincere slave, and if I've moved your heart to ask, trust that I will give. Just not in the way that you have imagined, nor in a time that you've set. Also, stop and look around you - which of My favours that I've already given you, will you deny?"
-
I wiped my tears away, and through a blurred lens, I saw something in my room, glistened. It was a book that I'm currently reading. I picked it up, only to realise that in front of me, was rows and rows of books that I've proudly collected, read, and savoured, over the years. And then my eyes shifted to the shelves where we kept our cameras - all the equipment, and the gears that we've slowly invested for the business. Seconds later, my phone started to ding - a notification just came through - 10 new registrations for our recently launched #AAClass that was already almost sold out. I looked down to what I was wearing - a shirt I got from Seoul, socks from London, and a pair of pants that I got my tailor in Morocco to sew for me.
And it was then that I realised, "Ya Allah, You didn't give me a child all these years, but you gave me the rezki of time. Time to read, and to learn, and to work on my self-development. You didn't give me a child, but you blessed me with the rezki of being able to spread Your message to thousands of people through my Videos, and throuh my work. You didn't give me a child, but you granted me the rezki to see the world, and to In Sha Allah, be a good ambassador of your beautiful Deen through my travels. You didn't give me a child, but you allowed me the rezki to hire a Sister here and to share with her the provisions that You have so generously blessed me with. You have given me so, so much and that, is how you have answered my prayers. Maybe I would not have been able to do all of these things should we have a child now, so it was through that withdrawal, that You gave.
Ya Allah, I am child-less, but my life is so, so, so, so full of joy. You have given me faith, you have given me purpose, and you have given me love. And that, is how You have answered my prayers - by giving me something more than what I want, by giving me what I need."
-
Ladies, I don't know what you have been praying for.
But I beg you - to not despair.
I beg you, to continue pouring your wants
and needs to the hands of Your Rabb.
Because I'm not worried if Allah will answer
our prayers or not (He will),
I'm more worried if our hearts
have hardened and have stopped asking,
because that's when we will no longer have faith,
no longer have purpose,
and no longer have love.
So continue praying, my dear.
Pray so that you will always have faith in our Rabb,
pray so that you will always have a purpose to serve our Creator,
and most importantly,
pray, so that you will always, always,
have love for our Beloved.
Once you've done that,
pay attention to how He answers your prayers.
Because if we are too busy sulking, and being sad,
the miracles that He has already given us will just
recede in the backgound, unnoticed, disregarded,
and pushed aside.
And if I may be shameless,
as you pray, will you please
send one my way too?
I promise I'll pray for you too.
-
Love and prayers always,
Your fellow seeker,
A
Comments
Post a Comment